✮ FASH Report ✮

TODAY: REJECTIONPHOBIA

    Last night when I came home I was so sad I had to take 4 happiness capsules (Sex and the City episodes) non stop to stop me from swallowing a full tube of toothpaste to kill myself. I had been rejected. By a guy.

TODAY: 'SETTLING FOR WHAT YOU CAN GET'

    Last night I went out and I savored the poisoned joy of desiring a ‘boyfriened’ guy. Oh yes, they were there, both the guy I liked and the boyfriend that’s usurping my place in his bed next to him. Sick I’m telling you. But, what could I do? Well I had to control myself and not look too much cause the boyfriend was looking at me not very well-ly, though he was apparently very drunk so I don’t know if he just didn’t know any better. By the way, yikes, a drunk boyfriend, I don’t wanna ever be the drunk boyfriend (note to self).
    I’ve lately kept thinking about the wonderful thing that is settling for what you can get. I’ve recently learned that that’s the secret to get in a relationship, to have an active sexual life and therefore to be (at least nearly) satisfied in the love area. What I’ve mostly been wondering is if I could do that, as I see everybody around me doing. Could I?
    I’ve traditionally been told that I’m too demanding and I’ve always denied this, claiming I just couldn’t pick up any decent guy, but I’ve now realized that when it’s time to choose, I have many more boxes to tick than people around me.
    I’m thinking this is maybe because of my overexposure to the corrupting media. Ever since I got into male fashion, (almost) all I can think about is waxing, having a nose-job, having a teeth-whitening... And if you become so demanding with yourself, you become so with your suitors. To me there are things that are blatantly obvious, like how many nose hairs can stick out from a nose? But people don’t even seem to see it! Then again, people around me watch TV, love Brad Pitt, love Ghost Whisperer (which in my opinion has the front runner of the perfect husbands)... So we’re all exposed to the corrupting media, I guess I’m lacking the realistic gene, I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one, I’m one of those hard to please, I’m not making sense now. You see, I’ve always said I wish I fell in love with an ugly guy, it just hasn’t happened.
    But wait, am I really hard to please? I mean, the guy I liked last night (the one with the bf), if my friend J. saw him he’d probably throw up; he was kind of like a drug dealer (X:D), and there I was pissing my pants in lust. So is it possible the problem is not me? Maybe I’m made to be in a place like London, full of cute drug dealers or something.
    Not maybe, I’ve been wanting to get the hell out of here since I can remember. Just go. But where? How? What for? I’m confused. It’s not that I don’t have interests or aspirations, is that I have too many so I don’t know which one to choose. Shit I just wanna be beautiful enough to be a model. Those live good. At least while it lasts.

TODAY: STRAIGHT VS. GAY

    I’ve been thinking lately about how fucked up gay sex is. I know homosexuals have traditionally been in the “dark side”; hiding, running away, etc. but nowadays, are gay relationships the same as the heterosexual ones or is it true the vision of depravation and vice in the gay world? In the media we get a mixed message, one way we get the stiff image of the perfect gay couple, both “life partners” (*ugh* I hate that term) being healthy-clean-polite-educated-handsome-sweet like the ones we saw the other night on Desperate Housewives, in a biblical event for American TV. Oh aren’t they perfect? Indeed. Don’t we love them gays when they’re neat and cute? Oh yes, we wanna bite them!
    On the other hand we have this flagrant rainbow earthquake that threatens our families with perdition and lust and sin. We see them partying, drunk, touching each other, many of them, at the same time, in a night club. We see them acting gay, talking gay, dressing gay... They don’t go to school, they don’t work, they don’t care, they don’t love, they don’t date, they don’t have dogs (besides chihuahuas)... Can’t all the same-sex lovers be neat and cute?